Report 99

Myths about monogamy and Relationships: (Notes from 'The Ethical Slut')

We have to be careful to question deep-seated beliefs that are current in our society and that often hidden in the language we use.

Myth one. Long-term monogamous relationships are the only real relationships
The authors claim that lifetime monogamy is a relatively new phenomenon. There is little that cannot be achieved without  being in a monogamous relationship. We are made to feel there is something wrong with us if we are not monogamous. We think meeting a Mister or Mrs Right will automatically solve all our problems and make us complete. A corollary of this belief is that when you love someone, you automatically lose interest in others and will never find any sexual attraction for them.”a ring around the finger does not cause a nerve block to the genitals.” the authors also ask that if monogamy is the only accepted option, then, can these agreements be truly consensual?
Myth two. Romantic love is the only real love.
Is the kind of love, that is a “heady cocktail of last and adrenaline, sparked by uncertainty, insecurity, perhaps even anger or danger,” the best basis for an ongoing relationship?
Myth three. Sexual desire is a destructive force.
It lures people to their doom, and destroys families, supposedly.
Myth four. Loving someone makes it okay to control his or her behaviour.
It may make people secure, but the authors do not believe that anyone has the right, much less the obligation, to control the behaviour of another functioning adult. This is exhibited in Hollywood type behaviour, where the hero punches out a rival. Also to the belief that “sleeping with someone else is something you do to your partner, not for yourself.”
Myth Five. Jealousy is inevitable and impossible to overcome.
There is a vast range of behaviours that can lead to jealousy. Some believe that we have to succumb to it. The authors feel that jealousy can be bad, but not intolerable, and that the factors that lead to it can be unlearned.
Myth Six. Outside involvements reduce intimacy in the primary relationship.
Having an affair means there is something wrong in the primary relationship. But many people have sex outside their primary relationship, for reasons. “That have nothing to do with any inadequacy in their partner or in the relationship.” The new relationship may just provide something missing or not available.
Myth Seven. Love conquers all.
“If you are really in love with someone you never have to argue, disagree, communicate, negotiate, or do any other kind of work.” this belief can lead to feeling that the relationship is failing. If any discussion about a disagreement becomes necessary. And anything outside. “normal” sex means that something is lacking -- there is not enough love already.

• we are so used to the old paradigms that letting them go feels scary..