Report 33

Stim Morane: So last time I was asking not "how do I feel in my life" but "what is happening now that gets in the way?"
Gaya Ethaniel: If you ask me again 'how do you feel in your life' off the cut way now, I will answer 'I feel ok overall' ... hm ...

I'm not a fan of patting one's back on purpose because like a lot of self-help techniques, it has a short mileage. A couple of weeks ago, I heard a thought "she [me] is kind." and felt rather taken aback. So ... can't think of anything yet but I will keep this incident in mind towards "next step, listening to little positive voices".

I still have this habit of putting everything I do against too high a standard. A fellow student [also East Asian] once said:

Asian Grading
A – Alright, B – Bad, C – Cry, D – Die

What I've found over the years is that the goalpost always moves higher every time I achieved each step. No wonder I often feel defeated even before I start something important. Perhaps some aspects of this are similar to how one feels never satisfied though one's circumstances are always improving.

OK, now what's the relevance? From last week's workshop, one thing that is clearly getting in the way is myself adding things. For example, that checking voice, "am I breathing?" when feeling impatient. I'm still thinking about this diligent doing self that tries to practice, blocking my view. Guess I can start with embracing what impatience feels like.

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If I ignore 'trouble makers', I am essentially rejecting part of what I am now, even if some of such tendencies are something that I'd rather do without. 'Messages' they have need to be listened to and to be understood. I think naturalness can be useful in accepting and including them. This provides a foundation, from which I can start investigating further.

A few months ago, I was spooked by an experience that was different or unexpected. These days, I am still taken aback or surprised but seems to be ready for such experiences more.

While mulling over naturalness last few weeks, I've also decided to go back to breath as the object of focus. I realise that I don't really understand yet what it is to be inclusive.