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With this excercize I suffered, not terribly, but I want to acknowledge that I ran up against 'self' quite a bit. :)

I suffered restless 'waiting', especially 'not meditating' (whch I honestly didn't think I approach as something to do* but hm I can be a bit intense as it turns out ;-) ), and not being up and about the decluttering process I'd been putting my hands to as a way of working out/stretching insight into circumstances (integration).

Staying with that I could see that the most acute forms of suffering in my circumstances are felt as 'waiting', and that I 'hold on' to a kind of charge generally... a kind of reserve of spiritual energy. I know that sounds odd.

Distributing this energy is something I've been paying attention to lately, and when i setttled into the restlessness I experienced it as shedding the 'super' from the natural... and getting comfortable with the relief of a kind of 'normal'... nothing special, yet soft/light. I had to shed some fear of abandonment to do so.

So, the attitude I began with was one of looking at circumstances/situations unevenly, in a choppy way... perhaps dwelling on the 'shinier' things and thereby being somewhat disociated. At the end, there was a simplicity which felt very even.

At homework session, Mitsu shared some thoughts on *not meditating* and also of not carrying around our 'tools''(insights perhaps we are constantly storing up?)... So there comes a shift of living as though we don't have to be 'fortified' for everything 'just in case'... which Gaya astutely observed is "clutter!"  

This excercize is something to come back to often.  

A funny note to share:

On the way to school my son said to me that I'm the only one he knows, who doesn't have any problems. When I asked him what he meant, he said I don't have problems of my own, just other people's. haha        
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Days later and I am aware of the restlessness still, maybe because I wasn't before. I am also aware of a *continual* falling away... a spontaneous process of shedding and distribution ocurring as a matter of course.

I am also still giving away, organizing, etc. Saturday I had a conversation with my grandfather which was exposing in some ways, but it was easy... felt like the same kind of thing.

Stim: direct awareness appreciates the fullness of things and the emptiness of things, and is also immediately expressed in our actions
-Without direct awareness and its expression, we acquire but don't see and don't "empty"
We leave no room to live / We possess but don't appreciate

So... maybe I begin to have a more "first-hand" understanding of dedication of merit, and of cultivating aliveness as a continually unfolding natural process which is impossible outside of immediacy/direct awareness... understanding how spontaneous action is trustable...

Began today, to add some time after 'meditaton' and other practices, to just not go anywhere and breathe... I laughed at the end of the time realizing that what I've been feeling with the 'blankness' I describe which seems perhaps diff. from the way Gaya uses the word (?), is like someone has handed me an inconceiveable amount of money or some treasure, and I am just dumbfounded until I know who/where it is 'supposed' to go. haha