Report 22

Gaya wrote:

*****I realised after the event that fear requires something to protect or to fear for. But at the time it felt as though 'going', 'goer' and 'gone to' happened simultaneously. Yet I could only see one aspect most clearly, fear in this case. Seeing one aspect out of the three has been consistent so far. I'm not sure why. This also made me wonder briefly about whether the codependent links run in an order (one after another as described) or not.*****

Gaya's whole report resonated with me, but the last last line especially, because when we began this discussion weeks ago the first thing I remember noticing was that when I would become emotionally upset it seemed like just one thing upsetting me, like a flood. Looking at it, it was many things... a c luster... then I began to see  -->, -->, -->. Really helpful. 

Noticing that more and more, the patterns became less and less linear. So it was almost like the clustering again, except with more space... things layed out on a table rather than clumped in my hand.

A few articles I've read have mentioned the non-linear-ness of natural selection, and this has helped me to consider this also. That there is another layer of sophistication.

--The *most* significant thing so far though, is the realization that understanding this is not intellectual, and therefore not 'predictable' to my mind in any way. There is no 'getting hold' of it.

Over weeks of discussions, and such methodical teaching, the ground has been prepared for understanding, and I am appreciative.

Other background:

A few years ago a wonderful therapist helped me try all kinds of visualization tricks to 'feel' as though I had 'support' to get through obstacles. Some techniques we tried helped a little, but they never really got at the heart of it. 

I 'knew' it was contriving, and one can't REST in contriving. 'Groundlessness' is more of a comfort in that regard, because this insight of freedom permeates everything rather than feeling like just tool in a toolbox which can be cumbersome and heavy itself.