Report 36

I hesitate to write already, because it seems this excercize can show such distinct things and wouldn't want others to be even subtly affected , but I have quite a bit to 'report' actually. It will be tough perhaps to narrow and edit down before Thursday, that being the way I tend to write!

So, maybe, those who've not done the excercize yet...Turn around!! :D

Okay...

When I began the 3 hr excercize, thoughts on what life seemed to me that moment were rather usual: Crossroads, being attentive toward 'good work' and 'Important/vital' things, a bit of worry in some areas at home/practical things/resources, still areas where I 'hide' in life, still a feeling of waiting for 'something' to click miraculously into place. I was actually quite charged though, and *very* positive, so the general feeling was of not quite looking at the more difficult things, because I 'should' be thankful for the things going 'right'... like if I set out my situational inventory on the metaphorical table, there were shiny things and dull things, and I felt obligated to pay more attention to the shiny things so they'd stay shiny.

(Oh gosh, I know that sounds funny... doing my best)

This is definitely something I noticed 'after', because during the excercize itself, I suffered through some restlessness at not going/doing... not meditating even (!?) which I really didn't think of as something I 'do' before, but I guess there is a lot of that in there. ;-) 

The charge I was feeling was actually a bit uncomfortable/distracting when just sitting, especially after days of decluttering and harvesting 'insights', etc., so I started working with 'distribution' that I had thought about a few weeks ago in Best Buy, and something I'd heard in an audio, and metta meditation...  noticed that this charge or energy was really concentrated on my face...

AND that it is the best thing... so wonderful that I have been afraid to take my attention off of cultivating this kind of 'feeling of connection' for even a second... afraid to just really, relax... be. In a way, afraid to be abandoned.

When I saw that, then I let it settle... distribute to the rest of my body, then to everyone I could think of, etc. This wasn't exactly new as an 'idea', but I experienced this in more honest/authentic sort of way. :) Then I could see that all the situations on that table as included in this energy and attention, and it was fine.

Settling farther I just I noticed the changing light play in the room, and the differences in the breezes outside/inside. I noticed the space behind me as though it were open, though there was wall behind where I sat. 

These things were lovely, but also just 'normal', nothing 'special', and that was a relief. I can't say I fully released the restlnessness, but it certainly became more apparant as something to relax.

So this for me was a deeper settling I think. It isn't that I've not been learning and becoming familiar with many ideas I am writing now, but this is very integrated. Also, the next day I could really feel a difference in my experience and in the kinds of thoughts that were coming up to the surface.

When I wrote the second page, it was rather poetic and soft and restful. I couldn't really focus on any thing to note other than a kind of evenness. I definitely felt less 'blank', though not less insightful, if that makes sense.