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Naturalness in a more personal way...

Today something came up which broke open some layers to what I've referred to as 'shyness'.

I could see first, an introverted tendency, which is also what my younger daughter was born with. This is what shows up as an exaggerated sense of 'everyone is looking at me'. This tendency was not a terrible thing most of the time, and enabled me to spend a lot of time enjoying my own company as a child. Once I became close friends with someone, this would fall away in their company. 

With my younger daughter, due to having some understanding of what she was dealing with, I made sure to push out her a little. Her natural personality is that this is still there, but she knows how to push herself beyond it when she needs to. I think that is what I'm learning too. :)

Funnily enough, not having this tendency is why my older daughter did not continue ballet lessons. Due to extreme extroversion, she was unable to scrunitize herself in the mirror long enough, was not minutely aware of her movements or comparisons with others. After six years of lessons, at a big transition her teacher said to me that "One day it might click, or it may not."  :) 

Just to show contrast, whereas my oldest daughter once took part in a performance where she danced the wrong way and tripped two other children up, walked off stage and told me she was "the best one up there", my younger daughter would throw herself into terrible anxiety and then get on stage and a natural effervescence would errupt. Then, the performance itself was often beyond what anyone would expect, but she could not see it or evaluate it clearly.

Okay... so that is one layer. The second layer that was brought to my attention today is a different sort of fear which has, for me, been bundled with the other. I did not know that.

Without getting too personal, today the second aspect was activated in a way that showed me how distinct that it is, and that this is probably where the 'completely shut down' part comes in. This is where much confusion lies, as I try to make minute decisions regarding what to share/what not to share/exposure/hide, etc. and become paralyzed. Perhaps without this activated, which is more conditioned (which in its way is a natural 'response' to circumstances) than innate, the first tendency is more a positive filter than an obstacle.

Just beginning to work with this.