Report 44

-Train Wholeheartedly

-Abandon All (hope of results)

I realized that whenever a 'breakthrough' happens in practice, I spend days in wonderment and then comes a feeling of embarrassment... even humiliation that 'I' thought 'I realized' something before. 'I' want to go back and qualify anything I've ever written or said, etc... polish everything up.

There has been an ego exposure, and ego wants cover at all costs. 

At the same time, there is a joyful sense of "just beginning" which gives a greater confidence to surrender to place of authentic wholeness/completeness rather than self-protection/cherishing.

Another thing that comes along with 'exposure', is sight of lots of hidden agendas (hope of results)! I have a picture in mind of a thief (complete with the little eye scarf like in cartoons) frantically gathering up treasures until someone turns the light on.

He's then standing there with this bag and wow, he's managed to gather a lot in a very short time. :)

Personally, I can see that I've been 'caught up' in dreams and stories for a while. It didn't *feel* like that because comparatively, they are 'higher' dreams and stories than I'd been caught in before. So. Even as I acknowledge that I've been caught up in stories (which I can only do because there has come a release of sorts) I begin planning how "I" will teach and share... which actually makes it impossible to do so.

Sharing is okay...  like what we're doing here, but this 'teaching inclination' can be pernicious. I start to frame 'realizations' into lessons... then make a story around sharing it... etc. It becomes yet another loop.

tricky... subtle. A tough one to drop. It is still 'me' making a lesson out of something rather than just not being an obstacle to Knowing.