Report 26

Shifting to integration.

Today I let myself become 'deliberaely' iritated over something that I could see right through and yet wasn't sure whether to address or let go. It was that I wasn't immediately responsive to the situation that bothered me, as much as it was the situation itself...like I had missed a moment considering too much.

I think this is the difference between wrath and anger mentioned at other times... that wrath doesn't linger and keep spinning. It is immediate.

This instance was a good window for me to see something important ... 

In this instance there comes a confusion which takes on a personae ...hands out a picture of all the potentialities that could go wrong and right. Its job is to convince me that my imput matters completely AND not at all...no in between. Paralysis.

THEN as I'm stuck there, there comes a further trap: Seeing missed moments throughout time, I can feel discouraged by all the false starts...and think "This is how/who *I* am: shy, lacking confidence, etc."

It is like Chutes and Ladders. 

I have a cold, and am also surprised by what this shows me. It accentuates a sense of delay I'm not sure would come into play otherwise. 

So when the Insightful body/Being (?) is energized, everything is experienced as 'already' open and resolved, and the unresolved things almost a silly show. The time delays are then seen as a kind of illusion that is unravelling...playing out...that can't help but do so. 

When weakened, that time delay seems so strong/solid, and the confidence to be a mere coping mechanism. Doubt/paralysis enters in.

So this is what practice is about. I wonder if my practice isn't still very sloppy and imprecise. The "insightful body" shouldn't be at the mercy of a cold.

Stim Morane: Eliza, does this relate to what you were calling "empty threats"?
Eliza Madrigal: yes very much so
Eliza Madrigal: if I 'react' to a kind of outward production of things, I can get stuck there
Stim Morane: it's a bit of a stretch, since one's sense of self is not exactly a threat
Stim Morane: but I see ...