Report 44

-Train Wholeheartedly

-Abandon All (hope of results)

I realized that whenever a 'breakthrough' happens in practice, I spend days in wonderment and then comes a feeling of embarrassment... even humiliation that 'I' thought 'I realized' something before. 'I' want to go back and qualify anything I've ever written or said, etc... polish everything up.

There has been an ego exposure, and ego wants cover at all costs. 

At the same time, there is a sense of "just beginning" and "starting from scratch", which gives a greater confidence to engage from a place of authentic wholeness/completeness rather than self-protection. There is a joy with that. Along with the sense of exposure, larger space (whole-hearted-ess?) is uncovered which puts the ego's voice/protests into a wider context and perspective. Ie, "you can help but not drive." 

This also uncovers further about hidden agendas (hope of results).

For instance, now I can see that I've been 'caught up' in dreams and stories for a while. It didn't *feel* like that because comparatively, they are 'higher' dreams and stories than I'd been caught in before.

The stories and dreams taken together were, I'd call, a stage/step of practice. I know, levels and stages don't apply in a 'larger' sense , but they do seem applicable here.

So. Even as I acknowledge that I've been caught up in stories (which I can only do because there has come a release of sorts) I notice scheming with how to teach and share.

Sharing is okay...  like what we're doing here, but this 'teaching inclination' is pernicious. I start to frame the 'realizations' and make stories... lessons... then make a story and lesson around sharing it... etc. It becomes yet another loop.

tricky... subtle. It is still 'me' making a lesson out of something rather than just not being an obstacle to Knowing.