Report 37

Working with choices keeps me working with desires, which has come to seem dynamic as a way to excavate that 'living being' whose expression isn't always convenient and predictable, but is also not out to wreck everything. Learning to trust.

Right now the choices I've been making have to do with exposures... beginning to talk openly with friends and family about things that are obvious anyway, or simply not hiding from conversations which come up... trusting that if they come up it is because the timing is right. Mostly I have found relief, and in the same way as I found allowing 'normal' to be surprising, I am finding "really obviously imperfect" surprising, and even a way to show love. :)

Good friends relate things back to me that seem so different from the way I see myself. For instance I experience myself as a bit of a scattered mess sometimes. Continually though, I'm told that I'm grounded and responsible and patient... so strange.  

So I'm noticing things that come up with others in a strong way 'out of the blue', and I begin to consider 'spontaneous metta'. It was easier to talk about when I my paradigm was Christian years ago, because I could say "Oh, well God woke me to pray for __", or said "___."

When I put aside thinking like that many years ago now, though it thankfully got rid of a sense of
"Why doesn't god like me enough to fix ___", maybe it also covered over something more complete/essential? Appreciating it not being about someone 'else' or some circumstance or situation making one experience love for a moment, but about what is true and available continually 'right where we are', 'at all times', and choices from that place which are authentic and meaningful...

Well, just thinking aloud, but trying to write about some of the things that are undercurrents of
these explorations.

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