Report 35

Stim Morane: there are many pressures to live an a disconnected way, Yes, Mick
but these are just moves on a game board/they don't literally "force" us to follow/we just play along, when we don't need to

Dao wrote: ** Preliminary notes:  Stim is asking for a 7 day report on the day of and the week following Thanksgiving **

Saturday - was a general pattern of hiding in little pockets I make for myself, on many weekends when the whole family is together. We operate less like a group than we did when the children were younger.

Sunday - a very full day, but feeling a sense of exposure on a few levels... experiencing some of the 'contracting' we taked about a few weeks ago during the open session. Took down some writings from various places...drew in a bit. 

Monday - a bit tired, emotionally, maybe sad. I can see that things changing in my life right now are the result of my having made room/place, which doesn't mean I feel up to the tasks. I guess that's where I would tell someone else that truly knowing that you aren't up to the tasks is a positive, because 'you' can't do it effectively anyway... whatever it is.   We talked about impermanence yesterday, at HW group, and that was enormously helpful.

Also this that I read on a pab log just a moment ago:    

Stim Morane: "drop" doesn't have to mean "cease" ... it can just mean "hold in a new way"       

Tuesday - Better today. A feeling of freedom in discipline, and of discomfort being part of a larger process which I ultimately, trust. Read today, a section of a Rumi story in which he talks about discernment and two advisors within us, one generous and one stingy.

Wednesday - Up in the middle of the night as usual, did a little reading, and got quiet enough for it to occur to me that I've fallen back into a habit of "When __, then ___" thinking. This has caused a bit of laxness in my behavior, and putting off of what I think I can do 'in this moment'... as if its someone/something else's responsibility... a sense of victimization by my ignorance and choices I've made along the way.

The cleaning out continues. I started with writings online and with throwing away pages of 'notes' that I've been taking and letting pile up... distilling into smaller pages. Now I am going through cabinets and drawers at home, giving away mostly. This is surprisingly difficult, because when throwing out or giving away 'my' things, I am continually faced with things that are others', and sometimes their packratting feels like an assault. :)