Report 33

Stim Morane: So last time I was asking not "how do I feel in my life" but "what is happening now that gets in the way?"
Gaya Ethaniel: If you ask me again 'how do you feel in your life' off the cut way now, I will answer 'I feel ok overall' ... hm ...

I'm not a fan of patting one's back on purpose because like a lot of self-help techniques, it has a short mileage. A couple of weeks ago, I heard a thought "she [me] is kind." and felt rather taken aback. So ... can't think of anything yet but I will keep this incident in mind towards "next step, listening to little positive voices".

I still have this habit of putting everything I do against too high a standard. A fellow student [also East Asian] once said:

Asian Grading
A – Alright, B – Bad, C – Cry, D – Die

What I've found over the years is that the goalpost always moves higher every time I achieved each step. No wonder I often feel defeated even before I start something important. Perhaps some aspects of this are similar to how one feels never satisfied though one's circumstances are always improving.

OK, now what's the relevance? From last week's workshop, one thing that is clearly getting in the way is myself adding things. For example, that checking voice, "am I breathing?" when feeling impatient. I'm still thinking about this diligent doing self that tries to practice, blocking my view. Guess I can start with embracing what impatience feels like.