Report 44

-Train Wholeheartedly

-Abandon All (hope of results)

I realized that whenever a 'breakthrough' happens in practice, I spend days in wonderment and then comes a feeling of embarrassment... even humiliation that 'I' thought 'I realized' something before. 'I' want to go back and qualify anything I've ever written or said, etc... polish everything up.

There has been an ego exposure, and ego wants cover at all costs. 

At the same time, there is a joyful sense of "just beginning" which gives a greater confidence to surrender to place of authentic wholeness/completeness rather than self-protection/cherishing.

Another thing that comes along with 'exposure', is sight of lots of hidden agendas (hope of results)! I have a picture in mind of a thief (complete with the little eye scarf like in cartoons) frantically gathering up treasures until he thinks someone turns the light on. Really, the light's been on the whole time and the windows are open. 

Anyway, he's standing there with this bag and wow, he's managed to gather a lot in a very short time. :)

Personally, I can see that I've been 'caught up' in dreams and stories for a while. It didn't *feel* like that because comparatively, they are 'higher' dreams and stories than I'd been caught in before. Even as I acknowledge and am embarrassed that I've been caught up in stories (which I can only do because there has come a release of sorts) I begin thinking how to teach and share... 

This is the neighborhood of 'good intentions that miss the point'.

Sharing is okay...  like what we're doing here, but this 'teaching inclination' can be pernicious. I start to frame 'realizations' into lessons... then make a stories around sharing, etc. It becomes yet another loop.

tricky... subtle. A tough one to drop. It is still 'me' making a lesson out of something rather than just not being an obstacle to Knowing.