Report 35

Stim Morane: there are many pressures to live an a disconnected way, Yes, Mick
but these are just moves on a game board/they don't literally "force" us to follow/we just play along, when we don't need to

Dao wrote: ** Preliminary notes:  Stim is asking for a 7 day report on the day of and the week following Thanksgiving **

Saturday - was a general pattern of hiding in little pockets I make for myself, on many weekends when the whole family is together. We operate less like a group than we did when the children were younger.

Sunday - a very full day, but feeling a sense of exposure on a few levels... experiencing some of the 'contracting' we taked about a few weeks ago during the open session. Took down some writings from various places...drew in a bit. 

Monday - a bit tired, emotionally, maybe sad. I can see that things changing in my life right now are the result of my having made room/place, which doesn't mean I feel up to the tasks. I guess that's where I would tell someone else that truly knowing that you aren't up to the tasks is a positive, because 'you' can't do it effectively anyway... whatever it is.   We talked about impermanence yesterday, at HW group, and that was enormously helpful.

Also this that I read on a pab log just a moment ago:    

Stim Morane: "drop" doesn't have to mean "cease" ... it can just mean "hold in a new way"       

Tuesday - Better today. A feeling of freedom in discipline, and of discomfort being part of a larger process which I ultimately, trust. Read today, a section of a Rumi story in which he talks about discernment and two advisors within us, one generous and one stingy.

I'm going to be an aunt again. My sister notified me on Facebook. =/

Wednesday - Up in the middle of the night as usual, did a little reading, and got quiet enough for it to occur to me that I've fallen back into a habit of "When __, then ___" thinking. This has caused a bit of laxness in my behavior, and putting off of what I think I can do 'in this moment'... as if its someone/something else's responsibility... a sense of victimization by my ignorance and choices I've made along the way.

The cleaning out continues. I started with writings online and with throwing away pages of 'notes' that I've been taking and letting pile up... distilling into smaller pages. Now I am going through cabinets and drawers at home, giving away mostly. This is surprisingly difficult, because when throwing out or giving away 'my' things, I am continually faced with things that are others', and sometimes their packratting feels like an assault. :) 

Day became synchronistic following a nice pab session... readings, conversations, audios, and *everything* seeming to collaborate on an inspiring picture of compassion and clarity. Restful and Happy.

Thursday - Quite productive. Energy shifted toward doing 'things I normally don't like to do' and there being a bigger feeling of pay off for doing those things, in part because they aren't hanging out there waiting. This kind of productivity which cuts through lots of little strings in a sweep, isn't something I can normally 'conjur' and I'm thankful for it.