Maybe the
things that I don't regard as intoxicants are more serious that the things that
I do see as intoxicants, because I notice them less. I notice much more
precisely how many beers I have on any given day than how many coffees I have.
I usually do
not think of this as a serious intoxicant, but I do use a lot of it and I feel
like I need it, to combat tiredness.
So what
exactly does it do?
The first
thing it supplies is a feeling of solidity. I had not really expected this
although I realize now it's one of the reasons I prefer coffee to tea – tea has
a much lighter feeling, even the high-caffein sorts.
The
hyped-up "really awake" feeling comes a while later, it's not a immediate
effect. And it's not wakefullness, it's hyperactivity.
The feeling
of "ah, now I'm awake" that accompanies the first cup is hardly
physical when I look at it closely. There probably is a strong symbolic part to
it, but I will need to look into that.
That
feeling of solidity is important to me in eating as well. It makes me seek out
filling (i.e. fatty) food rather than fruit or vegetables.
When I want
to eat something filling, I sometimes resolve to eat some fruit instead.
However, this does provide the solidity I want, and it does give permission for
eating. I usually end up raiding the cookie jar quite soon after that. Time to
try another pattern?
This
realization does make me feel: "now that I know this, how can I stop it?",
but this might be a bit premature. My usual reaction would be to try and stop
eating those foods by pure will power. This time, I will first look into the
process more closely and see what that does to my motivation.
Next week,
I will look more closely at my relationship with food, look at the process of
it affecting my mood, try to arrive at a fuller appreciation of what food does to
me and whether this is healthy (in a very broad sense) and see where there are
opportunities for change.
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