Report 44

-Train Wholeheartedly

-Abandon All (hope of results)

For me, taken together these slogans point to digging in. Last week we talked about using disaster as a way to wake up when everything goes 'wrong', so I tried to search my mind for a time when everything wasn't going wrong. :) I couldn't really find one. I'm not saying that things do not go 'right' in my life, but at some level there is really always a disaster too.

Writing this makes me genuinely laugh, and I think that's some of the point.   

I realized today that whenever a 'breakthrough' happens in practice, I spend days in wonderment and then comes a feeling of embarrassment... even humiliation that 'I' thought 'I realized' something before. 'I' want to go back and qualify anything I've ever written or said, etc... polish everything up.

There has been an ego exposure, and ego wants cover at all costs. 

At the same time, there is a sense of "just beginning" and "starting from scratch", which gives a greater confidence to engage from a place of authentic wholeness/completeness rather than self-protection. There is a joy with that. Along with the sense of exposure, larger space is uncovered which puts the ego's voice/protests into a wider context and perspective. Ie, "you can help but not drive." 

(To be edited and perhaps continued)