Report 31

Stim has asked if I can find "natural me in any level and perhaps a next step to grow into/take on ". I venture to guess the natural state of mind is responsive and infinitely wider and more dynamic in range. I think what is missing in various states of ordinary mind is a sense of steadfastness like an anchor regardless different situations. Intoxicated mind may help in some departments but brings 'side-effects' hence unsustainable in the long-run.

I've been observing relationship between thoughts and muscle tensions, in particular writing with a pen. I managed to catch one particular thought, 'I will get it wrong' that appears just before muscles contract. It often turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course, one can pick up forms [grips] to deal with different situations [brushes/papers/characters ...] but there is a limit to this approach. Also habits would set in as one learns more, inhibiting learning process itself. I got stuck at this point.

Meanwhile I've been trying to cross-geminate the sense of 'solid base' between sittings and Tai Chi. As I got more sense of how this can be adjusted, I apply that to how I sit when writing. Eureka! :D This has helped in relaxing and not forcing a limp/tight grip. So ... no, I haven't found 'natural me' yet. But first I would like to find more about this 'base'.

In the past when something/someone bothered me, I was reluctant to trust that feeling in order to avoid conflict or to be polite etc. As I see more how things work, I can feel ok to go along with gut feelings even though I can't quite work out whys. Seeing myself doing things without a moment of hesitation or a thought that is very much outside 'norm' or 'character' convinced me that 1. don't brush aside but take a note 2. actions that are free of self interfering turn out to be right ones. These certainly are not blind faith ...